Reach What?

People have always asked me what my goal was in the future. As always I would shrug and answer “I don’t know.” I have no goals. After graduating high school, I once questioned what I wanted to achieve in college. But I had no idea what I wanted ever. I became an IT student years ago but quit a year and a half after. Now I'm in the last semester of my third year as a communication student, but I still have no idea what my goal is if ever I graduate.

I don’t know if I should be worried about it. I don’t know which job id take if I do graduate. I don’t know what my future holds because of my uncertainty. I guess this is the aftermath of my low self-confidence in myself. I never did fully believe in my abilities so I guess that’s why I settled on easy things to achieve. My family as “supportive” as some see them to be, has no say in any of my plans. I was not taught to be confident, instead, I was forced to be one which for me is way different. Instead of pleasantries from those people I wanted to hear, I received barely any.

There was this side of the family where I received praises, especially from my father which I appreciated very much. But the other side had always felt fake to me and just for show so maybe that was that. Growing up, I yearned for affection and praises from my parents but half did and another didn’t. I got accustomed to that and instead, I just sat quietly and never fully believed in my abilities because I thought I barely had some to believe in.

I do appreciate the people that believe in me because it at least helps me even a tiny bit. But I know it will be hard for me to just stand up with full confidence. Because for a while, I believe I was that eldest daughter who was hated and wasted her life by not having a goal. So if people ask me today on what I want to reach? As always id shrug and answer “reach what?”.

EveDawn, Everyone!